News

HORNETT STUNG BY INJURY

Flamboyant striker Sam Hornett will miss Saturdays game against Bronco & Snax with a broken fingernail. The club has been informed that this occured when the player was attending a Brylcream photoshoot, and punched his personal make-up artist for leaving hair strand number #23096 slightly too far left, and creating 172 alf alfas. He is expected to be back to full fitness in a couple of weeks, during which time the club will miss his flirting with the opposition defenders.

09.11.05 WELSH S.S.C STATEMENT

The Welsh Sheep Shearing committee launched this statement today regarding the future of Timothy Bennett 17 from llangearguniaegyth, it read ' last week we recieved an offical complaint from a man believed to be known as Wilfred Watson. He launched a well structured arguement stating that Timothy Bennett had good reasons not to feature in the Tie on Saturday. I have responded to this and we have decided to withdraw Timothy Bennett from this weekends squad. However we would recommend Timothy considers his sheep shearing future'. We haven't yet been able to speak to Timothy Bennett because he is working hard on his farm (so many sheep so little time). We hope to get a reaction within the next couple of hours

8.11.05 INTERNATIONAL BREAK - CANCELLED

A couple of members of the squad were due to be leaving the club this week to feature for their respected countries in important matches, but a fixture error means that Waltham play Sholing, instead of a week off, on Saturday.

Jose Lopez Perkinez was to play for Argentina in the world Chess championships. Argentina are in Group E and will play top of the group Andorra at 6.37pm on Friday, live on the Challenge channel, and Jose will no doubt be glued to the TV once the final whistle sounds.

Tim Bennett will also miss out on representing Aberystwyth in the Welsh sheep shearing trails. They are away at the Cardiff National Sheep Shearing Society, better known as the CN Triple S Massive. and this game is being played at the national Pen in Braich-y-Pwill. Tickets cost £1.50 from the local post office. Police recommend getting to the Pen early to reduce crowd congestion. Waltham are considering hiring a minibus to leave straight after the game for anyone interested.

6.11.05 Club Auction

News has just come in about an auction at the end of the season. The club will be selling off our unlucky 13 shirt which has been worn by our unlucky player Gee. The bidding starts at just one pound and the Auction will be held at the Waltham Shed some time in July.

All profits raised will go towards a huge curry for the whole team.

5.11.05 MATCH RESULT

Waltham 3 v 6 Compton Res

Waltham suffered another defeat at the hands of Compton. Despite strikes from Sam Hornett (2)and Oli Mordecai, The Blues lost a two goal lead, and crashed to a heavy loss.

22.10.05 Jose Lopez Perkinez unfortunately picked up a slight ankle knock in last Saturday's match against FC Flames. He is being treated by club masseur/coach Ben Rimpadoupolous, and is making a swift recovery. He will be on the bench for this weekends crucial tie against Compton Reserves.

Rimpadouplous spoke to official site reporter Lee Chamberlain: "I believe Jose will make a swift recovery from this injury. Jose shaves his legs, which has greatly helped me when I need to apply healing elements such as baby oil.

Jose had ths to say, "In my home country, they will normally just cut off my foot, but i am greatful for modern technology, such as the babyoil which has left my ankle with a smooth glistening effect. I would like to send my love to Ben as he has very soothing fingers

22.10.05 PLAYER INCIDENT

Club statement

During the early hours of Saturday 22nd October 2005 one of our players was involved in an incident with a wheely bin, just hours before our crucial league game with Ordnance Survey B. The player embarked on a drunken ramage and was picked up by police after being found hid under a Toyota Rav4. Police say he was at least 4 times under the limit, but unfortunately is a complete lightweight.

The player in question was taken to a local police station where he was systematicly raped by the duty sargent and four inmates.

Hampshire Police have issued a brief statment 'On Saturday night a player from Bishop's Waltham Football Club was arrested for an incident with a Winchester City Council dustbin. Although this is only a minor offence, we were most concerned with the suspects eating disorder - he was placed on suicide watch after eating the entire canteen breakfast supply by himself.'

The club has refused to disclose the player's name due to legal reasons, but they have stated that any player who wishes to drink before a game must do so properly.

More information can be found at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/4387092.stm